Things happen for a reason..

Look for the positives!


So not many people knew this, both in my family/close friends and my internet friends but- On the 28th February, Me and Chris found out we would be expecting another baby. Shock was an understatement! We weren't trying or planning and we were being safe.. If you get what I mean. 
Anyway my periods had really been messed up after having Noah, I only had 3 in the space of 8 months, so I didn't even know if i was late. The reason we became suspicious was the fact I couldn't eat for a month. I dropped nearly 2 stone and became really weak and tired. I had put it down to catching the flu but it just didn't seem to pass! So with my next Tesco delivery, I ordered a pregnancy test and the day after it came. I did my business and by the time I had finished in the toilet: The result was pretty clear. I started shaking and breaking down! Couldn't understand what was happening. How could I cope with 2 under 2. I nervously brought the test into Chris and his face dropped. The silence was deafening.  I waited for him to react.. nothing. He was shocked too! But his face turned into a massive grin and he pulled me into a hug and whispered into my ear.. We're going to have another baby! 
Obviously we didn't have the same feelings. He was excited and I was terrified! Then I couldn't control myself and broke down into tears. I sobbed into Chris' chest while he sat there reassuring me. After that I slowly came around to the idea.. I had been through worse and made it out the other end OK. So what was another baby?!
The next task was to tell our nearest and dearest. There was definitely mixed reactions. My family mainly guessed and excepted it. One member was disappointed and my friends were over the moon. My best friend also revealed she was also due around the same time. I was happy I could share everything with her, down to the daily sickness and tiredness!
Fast forward a week and we were on holiday and I began experiencing some cramps, so being the worrier I am, got on the phone to my midwife and had a scan booked for a few days after we got back. I was both nervous and excited. Nervous because we were referred to the EPU/EPAU (Early pregnancy Assessment Unit) Where we found out a few years previously, we had lost our first. I didn't want the same to happen again.
By my last period I would have been 9 weeks but as we went to the scan, we learned we were 6 weeks and because of my messed up periods.. I obviously had ovulated at a different date. But the main thing we saw our little Pip on screen with a teeny tiny flickering heartbeat. Life was sweet. We went home and told everyone we knew. We got so excited. Avid readers of this blog, could of guessed the news, as I left little clue in my last mummy Mondays (which has now been edited out). But I was so desperate to share our wonderful news! I didn't want to wait!
17th March.. St Patrick's Day, We were in A and E with Noah, Gastroenteritis with a suspicious rash and a over cautious mummy! While there I went to the toilet and noticed brown blood. I spoke to a few people who reassured me in was just old blood and nothing to worry about. So it left my mind. Noah was diagnosed with an Allergic reaction (to what we don't know) and we went home. Friday the blood had changed to bright red and I started panicking. But instead of doing something about it. I used my hide tactic and buried my head in the sand. If i didn't think about it.. It wasn't happening. But it played on my mind. I couldn't forget. Saturday it got really bad and I went back to A and E at midnight. They couldn't scan me then, and booked me in for a scan on the Monday morning. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to hear the truth.
Monday came by very fast and we were back in the EPAU, scan room. To be told again.. The baby hasn't grown. I am so sorry there isn't a heartbeat. I knew they were going to say that. I expected it. But it still hurt just as much! As I got my clothes on the tears came thick and fast and I just collapsed. My head full of questions!

Why has this happened again?
What have I done wrong?
Why is my body struggling to carry a child?
Why me?

I then had to wait for a doctor to come and see me. She was fairly nice, not very sympathetic but I suppose she see's this quite often. It just wasn't nice how cold she was! Especially as I was sat at her desk balling my eyes out. Last time I was given a choice of removal:

*Naturally.. Let the baby pass naturally.
*Medically.. Have medicine in the lady area, which would bring on contractions and it would be expelled.
*Surgically.. A D&C. Which is basically where they go through your lady area and scrape everything away and remove it.

Last time I chose naturally. It gave me peace and it gave me time to grieve. Although it took 6 week and it was agony.

This time round I didn't have a choice. I had to take surgical. I had a raging infection.. Which I didn't know about and because they needed to see if anything was wrong inside me, why I struggled to hold a baby. 

I even struggled to keep Noah. A few times he tried to come prem, and each time I was given tablets to stop. But after several episode of reduced movements and he was 38 weeks, they let him come naturally early. Anyway, they sent me home with a promise to phone for an op date and time.

Within half hour they rang asking if I had eaten that day, just as I was tucking into lunch (If I hadn't I would of been in within the hour). So they arranged for me to go in the next day- Tuesday 22nd. 

Midday the next day.. AKA Op day. I was sat in hospital, having my blood done, urine samples taken and pessaries given to me with instructions, on where to place. Isn't really the nicest tbh!

2.30pm I was taken down to be put to sleep and have the operation. I was told it would take half hour maximum.

4pm I had just woken up and was told it took an hour and a half which panicked me. What had they found?! What did they do. I woke up in agony and spent the first hour coming around crying. Not because my mental health was taking a beating but the amount of pain I was in. I was told it would be mild period cramps and this felt like I was going through Labour all over again. What was wrong with me?!

The surgeon came around and told me they couldn't find anything but managed to get everything. So everything should start healing soon. She forgot to mention that she only meant physically. Mentally this is going to be a long painful road, that only I could take on my own.

At 6pm I was released to start recovery on my own. Discharged with antibiotics and painkillers. I went home to bed. One thing I love about my family, when times get hard, we all stick together. My parents shared care over Noah that day so that Chris could be with me in hospital all day. If you know me, you'll know I really hate hospitals and I hate being in a place, I'm not 100% with on my own. Also my mum had Noah for me for that night, so I could get rest, relax and recover. It was something I really needed, and I appreciated it so much!

Fast forward to today 25th March. I am still in a massive amount of pain and I'm struggling to do the most basic tasks. Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping! But emotionally.. it's getting easier, slowly but it's getting there. But I believe in a motto: Things happen for a reason!

'An angel in the book of life
Wrote down my baby's birth
Then whispered as she closed it
Too beautiful for Earth'.


Until next time..

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