You know what.. I'm not okay!



You may have noticed most of my social media I've been quiet, I've stopped posting . I just left! 

Usually with this blog I have no motivation to post but I still keep up my social media. This time I just have no words to write, no pictures to share. 

At the moment I'm just a shell of a person gliding through life. I still get up and be a mum. I still do what is required of me. But I'm just a walking, talking robot. 

Nobody knows why, I don't talk about. I don't want to think about it but it's happening. Something happened in my past that's coming back to haunt me and to be honest I am so scared to be here right now. I scared to leave my house on my own and I'm scared of just thinking. I don't feel safe and I don't feel secure. I don't feel me..

On the outside I'm ok, I paint this picture for my friends and family. I paint such a wonderful picture that I'm doing well and I'm super mum and an amazing best friend, in all reality, I'm just there. Nobody home type of thing. 

I clean because I can't think and when I can't think I can't stress and when I can't stress I am happy. My downstairs is gleaming (upstairs is the next project) I even got down on my hands and knees to scrub my kitchen floor although I did it yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I've actually scrubbed my kitchen every night for nearly a month. 

That's one thing I can control in my life at the moment. So many things are out of control and I just need something to control. Something I can do so I don't sit there and cry. I'm up all night thinking, all day I'm busy but at night everyone is asleep, I can't talk to anyone and what can I do when my house is gleaming?!

This time right now is hard. I am struggling to keep up appearances. I've promised people I would feature them on my blog. I've promised friends and family I will phone them and even see them but I can't do it. I just want to run so far away from here and never come back. I even started Christmas shopping just to stop thinking. I'm now so broke it's unbelievable. But in that time I was happy, now I'm just left feeling useless that I've wasted money. 

Don't expect a lot from me from the time being, heck don't expect anything. It's a miracle I can even get out of bed anymore. 
But that's the thing.. I am struggling so much but you know what- it's okay. This time will be hard but it will pass. Just bear with me. I'll find the light at the end of the tunnel soon.



I hope at least. 

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