Mummy Monday's #1

Sit back, Relax and get a cuppa.. It's going to be a long one..

This is my journey as a first time mother. This is my deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences. Both good and Bad. It's been a roller coaster. 

So lets go back to the beginning.. The minute I became a mother. The moment Noah was born. 

You know like films portray- A massive gush of love to your child suddenly wash over you? Yeah that didn't happen to me. It was a mix of relief of being pain free from labouring through the night and tiredness for the last reason. I cuddled him sleepily and he got taken away from me. Suddenly it hit me. He was purple. He wasn't screaming, He wasn't breathing. Panic hit me like a 40 tonne truck. My lungs emptied I couldn't breathe. Everyone's breath came to a quiet hum. All eyes focused on Noah and then to me- to stop me worrying. 

And then..

The smallest wail ever emerged, and a massive sigh was released by the whole room. 

Fast forward a few hours. I had showered, I had slept and I felt human again and my feeling towards Noah slowly emerged. I felt protective and hated anyone going near him. The midwifes, the pediatrician and any randomers on the ward. Nobody could touch my tiny human. At that point, I just felt protective. I now look back 7 months on and realise that's truly where my Post Natal Depression kicked in. 

Yeah.. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone I've spent the last few months struggling. Floating through life as if I was auto pilot. I know what I needed to do. My heart just wasn't in it. I have never neglected Noah. I just had no feelings towards tasks. Making bottles, changing him, bathing him and feeding him just felt like chores I had to do. But on the opposite end I was very protective. I would have several Panic attacks through out the day. Whether it be a family member wanting to hold him. Or a stranger wanting to stroke his face or touch his arm. Inside I was flipping out! On the outside I was a normal human being. How could I show people I needed help.. I just wanted the world to go away. 

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(I don't want to offend family/friends reading this- so don't take this personally)

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At one point, I would crumble if my friends and family wanted to do anything for Noah. I would tell myself.. You are his mother! You need to do this- Stop being lazy! Even after waking up with Noah every half hour and running on no food. I had to do everything. I had several panic attacks through out the day- Silly right? They're my family. Yet I didn't trust them. I couldn't trust anyone. Nobody was safe. Nobody would take exceptional care of him like I would. Nobody would keep him 100% safe.

Until I broke.. I couldn't take it anymore. I came close to collapsing a few times. Note to new mother: When people offer help- Take it! They have your best interest at heart. And take care of yourself. Noah suffered because I was suffering. If I could go back and start the first few months of his life again, I would jump at the chance. It feels like a missed his first few months, just by being in auto pilot. And I will always feel bad for that. I will always be guilty. I feel like I've let him down. Failed him. Failed as a mother. 

If it wasn't for my parents, my partner, my mummy friends from Instagram (you know who you lovelies are) and a mental health team- I wouldn't be where I am now- Now learning how to be a proper, healthy successful mother. 

I managed this by going back onto my medication, Seeing a mental health nurse and started opening up, going to Emotional Coping skills Therapy (Which I've now finished) and now I'm in the middle of intense specialized Counselling. Don't get me wrong- It's a daily battle and my life is filled with many demons! But days are getting more bearable and instead of waking up- crying, dreading the day. I now wake up with an open mind on what's to come. The best lesson I've learned- I'm not in this alone. So many people face this day to day and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've just got to keep trying and my light will come soon.

This kind of went downhill.. so now the highs:

When I got out of this little rut, Everything seemed so brighter. Days seemed easier. It was like before help everything was black and white. Now it's like watching colour for the first time. I'm starting to get excited for things. Small things like Noah getting a tooth or learning how to give me kisses. Everything seems effortless.  I now feel like a mum. 

Weaning is what I'm enjoying at the moment. I love trying Noah on new things. I love watching his expression. How he finds new tastes and textures. I don't get frustrated when he throws food, or mushes his hands into it. I know now he just wants to feel it and figured out for himself. I love shopping for new foods, imagining how Noah will like it. 

Teething is not a problem anymore. The first 2 were horrible, he was constantly in pain and screaming. If you know Noah you will know that Noah is not a cry baby. He is constantly smiling. So crying is a big thing. But after the first tooth at 5 month, the teeth don't bother him anymore- He'll be a bit grouchy but Bam they pop through faster than I can count. He's 7 and a half months old and he now has 5 teeth with 4 coming in! He'll have a full set before he's one!!

Sleeping is a blessing. Noah will have 3-4 (1 hour) naps in the day and then sleep from 10-9 with one or two wake ups for a bottle but will go straight back down. I really appreciate this as I've always struggled with sleep since early teens- I could sleep 15 hours and still feel like I haven't slept in a month. If I need to be up early in the morning I have to set 15 alarms to go off every 2 minutes. Which If you can imagine will annoy the rest of the household, but wouldn't bother me- I would sleep through them. I would only wake if someone Forcefully wakes me.  So having Noah sleep all night, helps my sleep but I still struggle to get up with him.. Bad I know. But i'm trying.

I love seeing him develop! For some reason I have this compulsion to record everything. Every milestone. I have everything on my phone. I don't know if its because I don't want to forget anything or.. I don't Know. But when I'm sad- I will look back over- to Noah laughing or his first few steps in his walker or photos of his big gorgeous smile. 

But back to his development, he seems to be learning everything fast (I'm not Bragging! Just in Awe) He leans in for kisses generally or when he wakes/goes to sleep (Which I've done everyday/night). He now shouts for you- Ma, Da, Ga (my father) Na, (My mother/ Chris' Mother and Our Nan). He also likes shouting Hi or Hiya to you. He lets you know when winding him- he needs more winding. He does this by hitting you on your back and as soon as he's brought up his wind. He'll stop hitting you and look at you and smile. He'll lean/ belly shuffle and play with his bottle when he wants to tell you- he wants it. He can now sit unaided for a few minutes- then get excited and will fall. He can now swallow food without gagging. Massive Proud mummy alert! Lastly, you can tell he wants to learn.. He will stare at your mouth when you are talking to him or anyone else. He isn't being rude.. He's trying to copy your words. It is off putting when you're talking and you notice and forget what you were trying to say. But its cute at the same time. You can see him mouth words you are saying. He wont actually say anything but he tries to copy.

Finally his illness! Still no news. But That broke me. From his constant screaming to finding out my little baby has to have major surgery. I am usually a weak person and I will admit that. When times get tough I go and hide. But with Noah, I stood up. I don't know if that was a mothers instinct. Yeah I was terrified, scared and wanted to hide. But I didn't. I took everything that was thrown my way. I left my safe place and went 200 miles away. On my own with him. I spoke and acted like an adult. Inside I wanted to curl up with my parents and cry but I stood there and took what they threw. To this day I carry this inner strength, when all I want to do is hand the responsibility over. Like my Councillor told me: 

Its like I'm in a room on my own and I'm keeping plates spinning on a small stick and I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to keep them all spinning. These plates represent, Noah, Noah's illness, My physical health, My mental health, My relationship with Chris, My relationship with both my parents, My relationship with my friends, Day to Day life, and many more. I'm running around making sure that everything and everyone is happy and spinning. Now I've got to choose a few and take them off and stop worrying about them, but still acknowledge them to pick them back up when I need them. Stop spinning them so fast, so to calm down my worrying and to take some plates off and smash them. To completely stop worrying about them. These are ones I cannot change.

This tip has made me sane. It lets me organize my head a little and ultimately helps me deal with day to day life. So if you feel your head a little full and jumbled- try this! It helps!

Everyday is a battle, I've just got to choose, which battles to take.

So sorry it's been a long ass post, but I needed to get my feelings out of head and onto paper (so to speak). I feel like a chunk of my mind can just melt away when I hit Publish. I don't care if no one reads this far.. I just feel better for writing it. 

Until Next time:

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Twitter: @Cheeyrich

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