It's Just a Part of Who I am!

I am not ill! Mental Health isn't a disease.. It's a part of me. 


You see in the media of people trying to take the stigma away from mental illness. I fight for it everyday. I don't want to keep it to myself anymore. I want people to realise Mental Health is a serious thing and without talking about it, you will not get help!

I've dealt with Mental illnesses for as long as I can remember, It started at my early teens and I still fight the battle everyday. It's just got a lot easier! 

Depression is not just feeling sad!
Anxiety is not all about panic attacks!
Bipolar is not about being crazy!
And Mental Illness is not a glamours illness, That you can throw around whenever you want to!

This is the real deal, The inside scoop.. My life.

I haven't been to a supermarket on my own in 3 Years! You know why?! I walk in through the doors. I can feel my body shaking, my blood pressure rising, my thoughts racing. The environment becomes a blur. People pass me going through the day. I cannot move. My palms get sweaty, my hairs on my arms stand up on end. I start to feel sick, dizzy, light headed. It feels like the walls are closing in and I can't breathe I need to escape.

You know what caused this? People. The amount of people. People I don't know. People I cannot trust. 

Within seconds I am back at my car with tears flowing. Feeling stupid by not being able to carry out a basic task. Tears at the fear, fear of the unknown. 

It's not just supermarkets, its going to a new place, talking to new people.. Even answering the phone! The fear stops me, it consumes me, eats me up and spits me back out in a mess. This is my life!

I will have days where getting out of bed feels more like a physical effort than a mental effort. If I wake up to a bad morning, Depression will come along and make me think: I'm shattered, My head is hurting..I'm hurting! I trying to get up but it feels like a truck is parked on top of me. Then I get hit with the final blow, My mind! It tells me why should I bother getting up? No one wants to see me, No one wants me. Its like the duvet is a superior force, a protecting one. Like it would protect me from all evil, when it fact, It wouldn't protect anything. I have to be convinced to get up, a reason. A reason to live another day. 

Bipolar.. My best friend or my worst enemy.. I am still trying to decide. Half the time- I am living on cloud 9! Like I could fly or climb the highest mountain. My mood is contagious! If I'm on a high, everyone around me is. It's hard not to be, I am bouncing off walls, I wont shut up. I spent loads of money and I'm laughing. But when i'm low, I am really low! I see no need for living, moving, looking after Noah. I don't care about anything/anyone. I am snappy, moody, agitated. The littlest things get to me.. You look at me wrong and i'm planning how to kill you! This unfortunately is contagious too! It spreads to everyone around me. 

It's hell to live with me. I don't know how my parents dealt with me or how Chris does now. I wouldn't want to live with myself. I would be on the first train out of here. But for some stupid reason. They stick with me. They take all of my highs and lows with a pinch of salt and they are god sends! They know to leave me alone on a low and enjoy my high ride with me. I can never thank them enough for it but they know I will continually be grateful!

So my treatment:

I've sent the best part of a decade on medication controlling it. I stopped when I found out I was pregnant with Noah, this was the hardest time. But I made it out the other end (: I am now back on strong medication. Although it doesn't work every day it helps at least 4/7 days!
This past year, I completed a 16 week course on emotional coping skills, This helped me deal with my emotions in different situations and help me tackle the world around me. Even on a low. This was a hard course and I'm still learning but its made my life a lot easier!
I have also finished a 20 week intensive counselling course. This helped me deal with my demons, my moods and my relationships. This was so emotionally challenging. I wanted to stop every week. I wanted to bury my head. I will admit, I couldn't make a few sessions but I persevered and went the week after.  I am not 100% back to how I used to be but this has helped a lot.
I have a dedicated mental health support team, who regularly check up on me and are at the other end of the phone whenever I need them. They regulate/alter my medication, put me on courses, support me and work with me. 
Lastly my friends and family are my medication. They deal with me 24/7 365 days a year. They pick me up from my downs and are always there when I need them and I couldn't ask for anyone else. They keep me grounded and show me what I can look forward to. Over everything they are the most powerful medicine.

Until Next time..

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