Look for the Laughter | The good, bad and the ugly.

Behind every tear is a smile and behind every scream there's a laugh.

Being to a parent with an ill child comes with its challenges. I cannot even begin to tell you how many tears we as a family have shed. How much hair I have pulled out in frustration and the amount of times I've wanted to jump in my car and never come back. 

But you know what stops me.. The smile Noah gives me. Reminding me to keep on going, pick my head up and keep smiling. 

I know I cannot change this situation but I hope and pray every single day that this day will be easier than the last. But if anything It gets harder. A day not knowing any answers, a day cuddling Noah while he's screaming in pain and not knowing what the hell to do and its another day where I sobbing to my parents trying to figure out the next move. 

It has been 857 days since Noah was born and it has been 857 days, questioning what is wrong with our little guy. 857 days I've worried, I've cried, I've lashed out in anger and I've been questioning my own parenting. 

You know how hard it is to battle your own demons, telling you if you were a good mother he wouldn't have this issue, he wouldn't be in pain every single day.. 

You know how hard it is restraining a very upset toddler while they perform a scan,  telling him its okay but all he know's is mummy is being nasty and isn't letting him move.

You know how hard it is cuddling him and he looks at you saying mummy owchie, mummy hurt and looking deep into your eyes hoping the pain would just magically disappear but all he is getting back is blank eyes looking back at him. 

You know how hard it is listening to numerous doctors, consultants, health professionals tell you, you are lying or it's not that bad. While you are trying to fight back tears of frustration that they just aren't listening.

You know how hard it is trying to give Noah his daily medication, his 12 different medications when he hates it. When you have to restrain him, encourage him and argue with him that he needs it.   

But you know what makes me smile.. Noah saying to me I Love You. Stopping what he is doing and at of nowhere and telling me. It makes me want to weep but in a good way.

You know what else makes me smile.. How Noah plays with Emily. He will stop everything just to get down on the floor with her and play. Gentle and calm, as if he understands she is smaller than him and that he needs to be careful.

You know what else makes me smile..  The look on his face when we tell him he is allowed a sweet. The big beaming smile he gives me when he has deserved it and thanking me afterwards.

You know what else makes me smile.. Hearing how well Noah is doing with his development. and how well he is doing in nursery. The amount of praise he gets from his nursery and people on the street, who stop and tell you he is so polite or he is so happy. 

My point is, behind every bad memory we have given him 5 happy memories to focus on. We are fighting damn hard at every hurdle just to find out what this shitstorm of a medical problem is, and I will not stop fighting until we have a diagnoses and a plan of treatment to combat it!

When times get tough you just have to look for the laughter, through the good, the bad and the ugly.